reflections, pt. 2

I’ve never been one to sit comfortably with mortality.

Back when I was religious, it was the fear of mortality and the pursuit of a glorious happily-ever-after that kept me in-step (supposedly) with the Guy upstairs. But even then, many — if not most — days, I questioned if I was good enough: if I’d make the cut to be on the right side of eternity.

Since leaving the church, I began labeling myself a deist (a Supreme Something exists but plays no active role in our day-to-day) and then agnostic (there isn’t enough evidence to support or deny the existence of existence of a Something or Somethings).

I’ll admit, when I first began applying the term to myself, “agnosticism” was a bit of a cop-out. It felt like a safe middle ground. “Sure,” I would say, “it’d be amazing if a singular Someone existed, but I’m going to give myself space to explore different religions and see what feels right. I’m just not ready yet.”

What is meaning?

It’s comforting to know the search for meaning isn’t exclusive to you or I, as evidenced by the thousands of religions (literally) around the world. My search for meaning has gone hand-in-hand with my own struggle with depression. I mean heck, if there is truly no meaning to life, then shouldn’t we all be depressed?! And if there is some specific purpose for existence, well, we’d better all figure that out and get onto fulfilling our meaning!

So I tasked myself with coming up with a list of things that gave me a sense of purpose. I found it easier to start by defining what didn’t:

1. Working with clients on projects that don’t have a significant societal impact
2. Working on anything that doesn’t give myself personal satisfaction or benefit those around me
3. Staying at home, protecting myself from experiencing anything new and uncomfortable
4. Getting caught up in consumerism, being overly obsessed with money/new shiny gadgets
5. Spending too much time on social media
6. Obsessing too much over physical appearance and other surface-level things that won’t be around forever

Okay, what might the anthesis look like?

1. Work on projects I’m passionate about: ones that fascinate me or improve the world around me
2. Challenge myself with new experiences and distance myself from this chaotic world
3. Spend less time on social media
4. Try to obsess less about personal appearance and everything else that’s temporary, our bodies are not forever

But is it enough? Is it enough to have your meaning defined by a short list of behaviors that make you feel good about yourself? I think so, but I also like to take a second to contemplate what we know without a doubt to be true:

1. We’re all going to die
2. Our time is limited
3. Humanity will most likely outlive us

Given this, two things are certain:

1. We should make the most out of our own lives and the lives of those around us
2. We should leave behind a better planet/society for future generations

For me, that is enough.

What if I’m wrong?

Maybe I am, and maybe I’ll change my mind in the future. For now, I look at it as a simple probability question: if there are truly 4,200 religions in the world, then the chance that I’m right about my choice is 1 / 4,200 ≈ 0.000238, or less than 1%. Would you make a life decision on any probability that low? If it turns out the religion you follow directly contradicts the actually correct one, wouldn’t that be worse?

But why agnosticism?

Earlier, I said I would often tell others I’d either end up religious or atheist. But then I watched a video of Neil deGrasse Tyson answering this very question. He said something along the lines of not having time or energy to convince others to also be atheist, and I have to concur. It seems every religion (or in the case of atheism, decidedly non-religion) has a mission of converting everyone else to their version of truth.

Agnosticism is different: its very definition is the belief that there is not enough evidence to prove or disprove the existence of something greater, and so it would be ridiculous for me to say any religion was the right or wrong one.

If we were to suddenly discover scientific evidence to prove religion one way or another, I’d gladly take a look.

So… about mortality

I don’t suddenly not fear death or want to die, because I’d like to think life has meaning, even if it is simply to further humanity overall. But, somehow, it puts an “urgent” label on my life: a desire to give more fucks to things that matter, and let go of things that don’t. To want to push myself to make this world, and myself, better.

I’ll be honest — I’m still coming to terms with everything I’ve written about in this post. There will be days in the future filled with anxiety and existential crises. That’s ok, understanding is a process. I’ll leave you with this quote:

“The meaning of life is not being dead.” – Tim Bale