reflections, pt. 1

So few things truly matter in this life. Or at least… it seems the things easiest to get caught up in tend to matter the least.

Apart from the routine panic attacks, 2020 has been a year of reflection for me. I can’t be alone in that. Perhaps a pandemic has had something to do with that. Mortality? But, while I continue to reflect over what I actually what to accomplish with this abstract timeline we call life, I still seem unable to resist the lure of the non-important.

I like reaching for big goals. But there’s nothing romantic or sexy about the pragmatic way to achieve those goals. Distractions on the other hand… well, I must say, it’s quite nice to be oblivious in the pursuit of nothing at all. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe I’m just unable to come to grips with the finite amount of time I have on this ball of mud, and the meaning any of my actions hold in the grand scheme of things. I mean, that first part’s for certain. Existence is a tricky thing. Gah.

I had hoped to come to a tidy conclusion by the time I finished documenting my feelings in this moment. But to be honest? — I don’t know that there needs to be one. While I do need to bump the rudder to make sure I don’t spend too much time obsessing over things of little worth, I can’t take myself seriously all the time.

So: to caring about things that matter, and letting go of things that don’t. And to a better next year.